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The Oval Office.
The White House.
THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, DONALD J TRUMP: Hi, prime minister.
Great to see ya. Glad you could stop by. Did you notice your friend Winston as
you came in? Great guy. The best. Knew how to win. My kind of guy. Yours too,
huh? Terrific guy ... But he never got the kind of crowds I get ... did you see
the inauguration? Biggest ever. No question. You could see it from the moon.
They said it on Fox. Great news channel - do you get Fox in England? It's the
best -- I can introduce you to Rupert, you'd love him. He's terrific.
THE PRIME MINISTER OF THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN AND NORTHERN
IRELAND, THERESA MAY: Mr President, it's a real honour to be the first foreign
...
TRUMP: Yeah, you're the first foreign head of state to come visit. To
me, you're my Maggie. Wow, she was somethin', wasn't she? The best. We're
gonna do great things together, you and me. How d'ya like the curtains, by the
way? Real gold, cost a fortune. Most expensive curtains in the world. I had the
old ones torn down -- they were terrible. The Obamas put them up. No taste.
Really, I'm tellin' ya, the worst taste ever.
MAY: Mr President, I'm not actually the head of state; that's the Queen.
TRUMP: Sure. The Queen. Lovely lady. The best. My Mom loved the Queen. But
she's pretty old now, ain't she? You need to think about getting a new one. I
could do you a deal on my daughter. What d'ya think? Have you seen her? Ivanka?
I mean, ain't she somethin'? She'd be a great Queen of England. Of course,
she's married now -- Jared, lovely guy, smart as hell -- but if she wasn't,
well, I wouldn't mind ... But if you need any help with those Europeans, get
Jared to have a word. Smart guy, believe me.
MAY: That's very kind, Mr
President. I was hoping we could talk ...
TRUMP: Yeah, I know. Europe. What a bunch of losers. LOSERS! Your friend
Nigel was telling me. Unbelievable. You were really smart to kick 'em out. And
that other English fella who was here -- Michael somethin'? Your deputy. Funny-looking
fella. But smart, really smart. Wrote down everythin' I said and put it in all the
papers. Did you see it? Every newspaper in the world. You're lucky to have him.
Terrific guy.
MAY: I was hoping we could perhaps discuss a trade ...
TRUMP: No question. I'm the best on trade. The best president for trade
in the history of the world. You want to buy our stuff -- American stuff, made
by Americans, none of that Mexican or Chinese crap -- I can get you a great
deal. I mean, look at our cars. Best in the world. Who needs those Jaguars or
whatevers? You want to sell Jaguars in America, you tell 'em: build a factory
in America. I'm tellin' ya: we sell three billion dollars’ worth of cars to
England, and then you sell eight billion dollars’ worth to us. How crazy is
that? It's gonna stop, believe me. Day One. It's gonna stop. You heard about my
wall, huh? It's going to be a beautiful wall, you'll see, everyone agrees with
me on this. I'm tellin' ya, you should build a wall along your border with
France. Keep out all those illegals. I mean, no one knows who they are, right?
Muslims, Iraqis, Afghanistanis -- who knows who the hell they are?
MAY: If I may, Mr President, I was somewhat concerned to read ...
TRUMP: Don't believe what you read, Teri. It is Teri, right? Crooked
journalists peddling their fake news -- believe me, we're after them. People
keep saying to me: 'Mr President, lock 'em up.' And we're working on it, trust
me. Like Steve said -- you've met Steve, right? Great guy, really, terrific --
like he said, the media should keep their mouth shut. I'm gettin' all these calls -- more calls
than any president in history -- and what they're all sayin' -- millions of
'em, believe me, it was on Fox --is 'Donald, you're the greatest president in
the history of America, we're goin' to put you on Mount Rushmore' -- do you
have Mount Rushmore in England? -- 'but you're goin' to have to lock up all
those lyin' press people.' So, hey, I believe in the will of the people --
hell, I was elected by the biggest majority in the history of the world, even
though the election was rigged. Horrible, really horrible, what they did.
Millions of people not voting for me. We're gonna change that. From now on, you
vote for Trump, or you don't vote. Starting right now.
MAY: But torture, Mr President...
TRUMP: You bet. It works, you know that, right? Sure you do, everyone
knows it. I read somewhere you guys used it with the IRA. And you beat 'em,
right? So like I say, torture works. You guys understand this stuff. I saw this
show on Fox where they said England was great on all those rendition flights,
and black holes or whatever? So yeah, don't worry, Teri, we're with you on
torture. Absolutely. One hundred per cent.
MAY: I think perhaps ...
TRUMP: Look, I need you to do somethin' for me. I've got this great golf
course in Scotland -- beautiful golf course, the best, and I love Scotland. My
Mom was from Scotland, but listen, this weird-looking woman they've got running
the place -- Nicole somethin'? -- I mean what is it with her? I need her to put
a stop to these windmill things they keep talkin' about. Terrible idea, the
worst. Can't you just grab her by the ... well, wherever -- and get her to deal
with it? Listen, I'll do you a deal. I'm great at deals, I'm sure you've heard,
the best. You deal with Nicole or whatever, and I can sort out your little ol'
Downing Street place. I mean, you gotta admit, it's horrible. It's old, and
it's so small. I've seen pictures. I'll knock it down, build you a fantastic gold-plated
Trump Tower, the biggest ever, and you can have the penthouse suite. I'll put
in a casino too: the Trump Downing Street Casino. You and Denis -- it is Denis,
isn't it? -- you'll love it. Trust me.
MAY: Mr President, it's been a pleasure.
WHITE HOUSE SPOKESMAN (later): The president had an excellent discussion
with the prime minister of England, who congratulated him on being the best
president the world has ever seen and attracting the biggest inauguration crowd
in the history of the universe. Ever.
DOWNING STREET SPOKESMAN: The prime minister was delighted with her
meeting with the president, who assured her that the US greatly values its
historic ties with the United Kingdom. They had a broad-ranging discussion
covering several major issues, and the prime minister took the opportunity to
emphasise the UK's determination to work closely with the US in the coming
years.
If the journalism thing doesn't work out then I think a career in comedy writing beckons
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